Many years ago, I remember meeting a Muslim friend downtown. Over time, we began to talk. And one night, over dinner, I asked him what led him to become Muslim. He proceeded to tell me that his dad was a Baptist preacher, so he grew up in a Christian home. But, over time, he began to view the Christian faith as empty, worthless, and powerless because he never saw his dad live out his faith at home. He said, "My dad was a completely different person at home than he was at church. So, I concluded it can't be real."
This conversation taught me that who we are at home is equally (if not more) important than who we are in public. Today, we will learn that God cares about what happens inside the home. God cares about how we interact with our parents, and he cares about how we interact with our kids.
Perhaps I could make the bold statement that we have failed as disciples of Jesus if we give our life to teaching the world about Jesus and neglect teaching our kids about Jesus. I will have failed as a pastor if I neglect my children in an attempt to lead the church.
Today, we will learn that the primary spiritual influence in a child's life should be the parent. Therefore, the child should listen to and obey the parent's teaching.
One of our four pillars as a church is family discipleship. We define family discipleship as "The family of God partnering with and equipping parents/guardians to help build in their children an authentic faith in Jesus." We want to equip and disciple families for family discipleship as the church. We want to be a [F]amily that helps our [f]amilies be a beacon of hope and life in their homes. Family discipleship is the family of God coming together to pray for, teach, train, and show our parents and kids what it means to love Jesus.
So, discipleship is not merely something that takes place outside of our homes; it should be something that takes place inside our homes. God cares about who we are inside the walls of our home. God cares about your family.
Let's dive in.
"[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3] "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." [4] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
CHILDREN ARE IMPORTANT
The first thing I want us to notice is who Paul is addressing. He's speaking to the children of the church. This is a term that means offspring or descendants. But it's a term of position more than a term of age. In Matthew 2:18, we see this word used about the children under the age of two that Herod sought to kill. But elsewhere in Scripture, it's used in reference to children much older. So, I don't think Paul is speaking directly to two-year-olds, nor do I think he's speaking directly to thirteen-year-olds. He's talking to those who have been given the title of a child, someone who is dependent upon an adult, someone living under their parent's roof.
So, take a moment to understand what's taking place here at the start of chapter 6. In a letter written to the saints in Ephesus, Paul specifically addresses the kids. God values children enough to speak directly to them when addressing the church.
What does that tell us? It tells us that our children should not be viewed as an afterthought in the church; they should be seen and treated as an essential element of the church. Children should be treated as a crucial part of the church.
Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where children can be viewed as a distraction rather than a priority. Sometimes, we want kids out of the service rather than in the service so we can worship Jesus undistracted. And I think this desire has contributed to the church creating a separate ministry in a separate building for the kids in the church.
I'm not here to condemn those things as wrong. Children's ministry is important. It's helpful to have the church help teach our little children essential stories in the Bible in a way they can understand it. It's helpful to have someone serve the young moms and dads by watching their babies during the service. It can be beneficial to give the youth of church opportunities to gather with young believers their age. But, in doing these things, we must be careful not to create a culture where our children are separate from the church. Paul doesn't write a separate letter to the children; he addresses them as a part of the church. Therefore, we should treat our kids as crucial to the church. Let them serve and grow with us.
This is why we bring our kids into the worship space at an early age. We want them to grow up as a part of the church. We want them to learn how to worship by worshipping with us. We want them to learn how to study the Bible by studying with us. We want them to learn to serve by serving with us. We want them to grow into the image of Christ with us, not away from us.
CHILDREN, OBEY YOUR PARENTS
Paul then tells the children in the church to "obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." The word "obey" means to listen and submit to the commands of another. Strikingly, it's the same word used in Matthew 8:27 when "the winds and the sea obeyed" Jesus. As Jesus was in the boat with his disciples, he was sound asleep whenever a great storm hit the sea. He later wakes up and proceeds to rebuke the winds and the sea, and there is suddenly a great calm. The wind and the waves obeyed Jesus, doing as he said.
I feel, at times, this is a far too relatable analogy to parents. Perhaps you're like my wife, and at night, you look around your house and wonder, "Did a tornado come through our home?" Maybe you're like me, and sometimes you wonder if "child" and "hurricane" are synonyms. Well, may this story comfort you. If Jesus can calm the wind, he can calm your children. If the waves can obey, your children can obey.
As the storm took heed to the command of Jesus, children are to take heed to the commands of their parents. God calls the children in the church to obey their parents. They are to do as their parents tell them to do.
Kids, a tangible way you can honor the Lord as a child is by obeying your parents. A tangible way that you can worship God is by doing what your parents say. If you want to obey God, you should obey your parents.
Now, what does it mean that we are to obey our parents "in the Lord?" Well, what I think Paul is alluding to here is our ultimate higher authority. As John Stott puts it, "The latter instruction surely modifies the former." In other words, we obey our parents always, without exception, as long as that obedience is compatible with our ultimate authority, Jesus. If, for some reason, our parents command us to do something that goes against what God, in his word, commands us to do, then we must humbly and respectfully disobey. If your mom tells you to lie, you say, "Mom, I can't lie. God tells me to speak the truth. So I have to be honest." If your dad tells you to steal, you say, "Dad, I can't steal because God tells me not to." Jesus is always our primary and ultimate authority.
Paul then says, "For this is right." Paul's first justification for the obedience of a child isn't the law or Christian ethics; it's the natural law of life. We obey our parents because it's the right thing to do. It should be universally understood across all life barriers that it is suitable for a child to obey their parents.
HONOR AND OBEY
But, the natural law of life is not the ultimate authority for us as believers. So, to support this command, Paul quotes the Ten Commandments— "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land."
To support the command to "obey," Paul quotes the Old Testament command to "honor." To honor someone means to revere someone. It means respecting someone and holding them in high esteem. So, this tells us that we can honor our parents by obeying our parents. If you want to dishonor your mom and dad, disobey them. But, if you want to honor your mom and dad, obey them.
THINGS WITH GO WELL FOR YOU
Now, there's some disagreement or confusion over Paul's words, "This is the first commandment with a promise," because it appears this isn't the first commandment with a promise. When you look at the Ten Commandments, you'll see that there are, in a sense, promises tied to other commandments that come before this one. For example, the command, "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain," has the promise that "he will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." So, judgment is promised to the one who takes the LORD's name in vain.
But, what I think Paul is saying is that this is the first commandment that promises blessing. Those who honor their father and mother will experience "well-being and a long life on earth." So, choosing to disobey your parents is a dangerous path in life. But, choosing to obey your parents is choosing a better way of life.
Let's spend a few minutes unpacking the nuts and bolts of this promise.
The primary responsibility of a parent is to love, protect, and teach a child what obedience to and love for God looks like. In doing this, a parent will teach a child principles that will generally lead to life and prosperity. Obeying our parents should lead to a better and safer life.
For example, stealing and lying will lead to pain and misery. Choosing to embrace a life of theft and dishonesty will likely lead to some time in jail or prison. So, if a child takes heed to their parent's teaching/warning/discipline against these things, they will be able to avoid a ton of pain and misery in life that comes from these things.
Not only that but obeying your parents will teach you humility. It will teach you how to receive correction, which will help you be a better person in life. Think about work, for example. If you, as a child, can learn to take heed to your parent's corrections, you will one day be able to take heed to your bosses' corrections, which will lead to you being a good employee, which should, in return, lead to things going well for you in the workplace. In other words, you show me a child who honors, respects, and obeys their parents, and I will show you someone who will one day honor, respect, and obey their boss. And if you honor, respect, and obey your boss, you'll probably be a good worker, and good employers want to keep good workers.
Now, let me insert a little side note along those lines and briefly speak to the young ladies. As you get into the dating age one day, let me counsel you. You show me a young man who honors and respects his mom, and I will show you a young man who will one day honor and respect you. Show me a young man who doesn't respect his mother, and I'll show you a young man who one day won't honor and respect you.
DISCIPLE YOUR KIDS
Paul then shifts his focus from the child to the parent, primarily the father. As we saw in chapter 5, the husband is considered the head of the household. Therefore, he is the leader of the home.
This is important to note because we have grown up in a society that has diminished the importance of a father's presence in a child's life. We've grown up in a society where men have been primarily dis-involved in a child's life, whether that be because of work, divorce, or a myriad of reasons. But, in addressing the parent's role in disciplining a child, Paul primarily addresses the father.
Men, God has called you to be actively involved in your children's lives. God has called the father to be actively involved in your children's lives.
In addressing the father, we can also safely conclude that he's also addressing the mother. After all, he just got done saying, "obey your parent[s]" and "honor your father and mother." So, this reinforces the truth that the primary spiritual influence of a child is the parent. Mom and Dad, you shouldn't just be present in your child's life; you should be actively involved in the discipleship of your child. The primary responsibility of teaching, training, and disciplining a child doesn't fall on the shoulders of a daycare, school, nanny, or grandparent; it falls on the shoulders of the parent.
CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS
As the primary spiritual influence, Paul calls us to do two things: "not provoke our children to anger" and "bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
So, what does it mean to not "provoke our children to anger?"
Well, multiple commentators pointed out how, contextually, during this time, fathers in Roman society had total control over their children and were often harsh to them. Some historical reports show that some fathers were guilty of selling or abandoning their children. Other reports show that a father could even kill a child without being charged with a crime. So, this command not to provoke a child to anger would have been very countercultural during this time because it placed value on the child. It spoke light into how a father led his family. A loving and Godly father should lead his children gently yet sternly, boldly yet kindly. The father (and mother) should carefully consider how they parent their children. They should be fair, loving, and consistent toward their children.
Tony Merida gives a list of things a parent could do to provoke a child to anger:
Failing to take into account the fact that they are kids
Comparing them to others
Disciplining them inconsistently
Failing to express approval, even at small accomplishments
Failing to express our love to them
Disciplining them for reasons other than willful disobedience and defiance
Pressuring them to pursue our goals, not their own
Withdrawing love from them or overprotecting them
TEACH AND SHOW THEM JESUS
Following this, Paul says fathers should bring their children up "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
The Greek word for discipline means training, correcting, or punishing. It's "do this" and "don't do that." It's "if you choose to disobey, punishment will come." Godly parents embrace the responsibility of correcting and disciplining their children.
The Greek word for instruction means to teach or warn. It's a term that primarily falls on the shoulders of verbal education. It's, "Hey, this is who God is. This is what he's done. This is what he calls us to." So, Godly parents embrace the responsibility of teaching their children about Jesus. The ultimate job of a parent is to teach their children about Jesus. We are to bring up our children in the discipline and instruction "of the Lord." So, the content of our teaching ought to center around Jesus.
Jesus says, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations." So, our job as disciples of Jesus is to make disciples of Jesus. But, whenever we hear discipleship, we often think outward, not inward. We often think discipleship is something we do outside the walls of our home, not inside our home. But, we must understand that it would be foolish to invest all of our time, effort, and resources to reach the lost outside our homes while neglecting the lost within our homes. As parents, we must understand that one of our most excellent calls in life is to teach our children about Jesus.
FILL YOUR CUP SO YOU CAN FILL OTHERS
As we close today, I want to direct our attention to Deuteronomy 6:6-7, "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children…" So, before we see a call to teach, we see a call to study. We are to teach our kids that which is on our hearts. We are to teach our kids the very thing that we rejoice in, delight in, meditate on, and cling to personally. To make disciples, we must first be a disciple. To be a teacher, you must first be a student. We can't teach our kids something we are foreign to ourselves.
The Psalmist describes God's Word as something sweeter than honey and more precious than gold. The Bible ought to be something we feast on daily. So, in teaching our kids about God's Word, we're not inviting them to join a meal that we despise ourselves. We're welcoming them into a delicious feast at the master's table. We are to teach our children diligently the same commands written on our hearts.